Yearly Review

Wow. Okay, so I didn’t really post as much as I thought I would growing up. I never realized how busy life can get until I ultimately had to “grow up”. Now by saying that, I don’t mean literally growing inches. I mean emotionally and mentally. I have not had the easiest year since I posted last January.

I moved in with my boyfriend and his parents. Only, we didn’t really discuss it, I just kind of kept sleeping there… every night. Alright, alright, so I brought it on myself, right? Well I graduated college, and had no where to go. My mother moved my little sister into my room while I was away in school so I came home to her living in my room, sleeping in my bed, and her clothes now in my closet.

How else am I supposed to take that? Anyways, I moved in with with my boyfriend. All was okay for a little while, but then October came and his parents wanted nothing to do with me being there. It is a long, very disturbing story as to what all occurred in my now Fiance’s home throughout 2 years we were together and that put a lot of strain on our relationship. His parents wanted me out, so one day w had an argument and I decided to go.

My Fiance came with me and here we are, almost 10 months later, living in our own apartment. We have a roommate, and had another one, but again.. that is another time. Our roommate right now kind of gets on my nerves I guess. He does whatever he wants whenever he wants, which is fair, because he pays rent. But, he abuses his rights when I have to work early, or when I specifically ask “don’t do this” or “please, can you do this?” I try my hardest but some days are the worst.

I’ve been through one job already, and I am currently working at another clinic. I love it, don’t get me wrong, but part time hours and renting a ridiculously priced apartment are two different things that just don’t match without some stress involved. If I could re-do one thing? It would be that he never met me. He didn’t ask for this life, I dragged him into it.

He deserves to live at home, worry free, stress free… But at the same time I wouldn’t change it for the world. He loves me and he left everything behind for me. As I did for him too. Life has so many ups and downs for us that I am proud to see how far we have truly made it together. Sometimes we fight, and sometimes there are slip-ups but we always fix it. We always get through it. I can’t wait to see what is next.IMG_2750

Advertisements

Life

I haven’t posted in a year, and that is a very long time. But, so much has happened since February of last year. I am in College, SLC to be exact. The place I wanted to go to since I can remember.

A lot has happened. I got accepted for the Veterinary Technician program, but failed first semester. I went home too much and focused on my friends more than I should have. Yes, I can openly admit I screwed up. That is why I had to work my ass off to start back up in January at SLC again, but for the Vet Assistant program. Let me tell you, I love it so much more.

They are so welcoming, kind, and very considerate. They are all willing to talk with everyone and they are just so welcoming. I love this program more and I feel like I am more accepted as a person here.

Let me tell you, it was not easy to get here, and the last year has not been what you would expect. My boyfriend and I had some real trouble with me moving away from home, but we make it work and have gotten much better. He is going to college in September and that is a huge milestone for him but I am very excited for him.

I had a falling out with my family, and we won’t ever be the same. But I guess all of you knew ever since I posted about my Grandfather passing on December 3rd 2014. Yes, it still affects me, but I push myself for him. He wanted to see me succeed and that is what I intend for him, I owe it to him.

If there is one thing you all take from this- life isn’t easy. You’re adults, you get it. But not one person is going through the same thing as another person.

College

Ah, that time of the year for this grade twelve student. The time when students are worrying, and stressing, and loosing their minds because of one thing. But, that one thing isn’t all that small, is it? No.. no it’s not. It’s my life, it’s my future. I’m not sure that I am going to get accepted and that is kind of throwing me off, well.. more than kind of, I’d say a lot. I can’t not think about it.

I want to go to St. Lawrence College for their Veterinarian Technician Program. There is an HOAE test I have to write for two of the other colleges I applied to, which also kind of makes me nervous because I can’t get any results from them until I do this test. I looked through an example book for this test right? Well…. I am going to fail. Most likely. Everyone tells me how smart I am and how I shouldn’t think that way, but really? None of them really know how hard it is for me to do good at anything.

It’s day by day I hear from all of my friends and classmates about how they got accepted to this college or that college… I am sitting here like, “Oh cool! I… Well, I haven’t heard yet.” And you know that look. You know the, “I am so sorry you haven’t heard and I am so gloating right now and you are so stressed so this probably isn’t helping” look. Yeah. I get a lot of those lately.

It doesn’t change the fact that I know some one, anyone has to accept me. I mean, I can’t be that bad…. Can I? Ugh this stress is killing me. I never want to have to go to school. I had a snow day today, and it felt good to be home and now hear from anyone all day about how they got frigging accepted. That is ALL I will hear tomorrow… Ugh.

Why do I even go to school? I ask myself this question evvvvvvverrrryyy day.

Death

Sorry I haven’t written in a while, a lot has gone on since June for me. My grandfather got diagnosed with cancer in May, but he didn’t start cancer treatment until June. We thought he was doing well in the end, we had hoped it would have been gone. But all that it did, was shrink a little.

He went through all that radiation on his throat, all that chemo on his throat, just for it to still be there. My grandpa was my whole family’s world. He was the glue to our mess, the tree that we hung onto.. My grandpa was a great man. Cancer is a bitch, and I will never understand how a man who never got sick, got such a horrible disease.

He was never labelled as terminally ill, he wasn’t. He was supposed to get a second opinion on a surgery for it last Tuesday. What the hell happened the Wednesday before that just had to take him away? It has been eleven days since my grandpa died.. eleven days of trying to help pick up the messy pieces of my family to try and glue them all together. What do you do when there is no glue to hold it together anymore?

I miss my grandpa, I never got to say goodbye before he died. I didn’t get to see him the night he died because I thought I would have another day. I thought I was going to have time to see my grandpa, I thought… well I thought a lot. My mom had gone out there that night, Wednesday December 3rd, she saw him just 20 minutes before he had died. She came home, and she was happy because my grandpa seemed so well that day. And then? It wasn’t 15 minutes and my mom was rushing out to my grandma and grandpa’s to help my grandma. My mom’s fiance Dave had gone too. He held my grandpa as blood was coming out of his mouth.

There was fear in my grandfather’s eyes and I wish I could have been there to say goodbye. One last chance to let him know, it was okay for him to go, because I had closer. But I didn’t. My older sister had rushed us both out there not even five minutes after my mom left. She raced and did well over the speed limit, but my grandfather was her life. Who was anyone to stop her from an emergency she needed to be at?

So I went, and when I got there? I knew. The firefighters were doing rotations with the paramedics doing the resuscitation because my grandma had asked them to. She knew he was gone, but they needed the final call from a doctor in Kingston to stop. I willed them on, I prayed, for the first time in six years I prayed to a God who didn’t answer me.

I will never get that night out of my head, never. My grandpa meant the world to me, even though I was a grandma’s girl, I still loved him. I still shared so many memories with him. I remember their 40th anniversary party, I still remember the benefit dance we had for them in September. He could walk then, perfectly. Of course he got tired after a while, but how could it get to the point where he needed a walker?

I had so many things rushing through my head that night. I remember the blood on the floor, because he couldn’t stop. I remember seeing his body laying on the floor, seeing him there and his chest not moving. I wanted it to move, I even imagined it to be moving. I cried, I still cry… My grandpa was my world too.

The wake, the funeral, was all so hard for everyone, especially my grandma and my mom. My mom was a daddy’s girl, and her whole world was swept away from here, before she could even blink. She had seen him, and my grandpa had looked at her in his final moments. She had closure, but she was not ready to say goodbye, not to this day.

When I close my eyes at night I dream of him, of all the good times we had. Every time I slept over he would wake me up with the banging of the cupboard doors. I dream about him keeping me up till 1 am the night before my surprise party a year ago. Now I didn’t know it was a surprise party, but I still had to go to something the next day and he knew it. But we had fun, he laughed with me and we had fun that night.

But I also have nightmares, and those are of the night he died.. Everyone says it will get better, it won’t. Nothing can get better, it will just get easier to deal with. Maybe one day when I think of my grandpa I won’t cry anymore, I’ll just smile at the happy things.

A Million….. and You

I can’t get over this feeling I have. This constant feeling of being hurt. My heart hurts a lot these days and you know what? I am doing it to myself. I once believed that I would never find anyone so good for me. That I would never want to be happy ever again. Sometimes I wonder why I even try in life.People tell me love is not worth giving up your dreams let alone life for.

But we have all felt this. We have all felt this burning feeling in our chests when we feel like we are loosing the one person that we love. We all get the same pain, feeling like your heart wants to burst out of your chest in a million pieces when we have done wrong to the one we love and it seems like it won’t be reparable.

I want to be able to share my feelings somewhere I know I won’t be looked down upon as childish or absurd. I love him. I still have him but I am not sure for how much longer, that is the scary part. He was my first, and I want him to be my last but no one believes that is true, or will ever happen. This guy in my life isn’t just any person, he makes me feel wanted, needed. Why does no one see this?

I need him like I need air, or like I need to live.He is my purpose, and why would people encourage you to loose your purpose in life? Some may say I am being immature and childish to believe some “high school romance” is going to last. But, what they don’t get is that it is the same as when they used to be in school. So why can’t my generation have that same feeling? Why can’t my generation be able to love unconditionally, and so strongly, yet get judged? It used to be that dropping out was normal and no one questioned it. Why now is it questioned? Why now it is necessary to keep going and to keep pushing yourself to keep going when no one else had to? Because that is the way the world is, it is always changing.

But, why should the definition of love ever change? Why should we ever have to be told who we can and can’t be with? Why must we as people be told who we can love and who we cannot? How is that fair to what the heart wants? Oh wait, it isn’t. Nothing is ever fair anymore and people say to suck it up.

I’m tired of not being understood. I’m tired of being called a child. I’m tired of being me. I’m tired, of just being tired.

Getting Older..

I couldn’t believe the idea of being a grade twelve. I’m not ready yet. I’m not ready to get older and leave and move on in my life. I didn’t grasp the idea of being older until I had gone into the school and gotten my timetable.
I still, cannot, believe that I’m going to be finishing high school in eight months. That’s too short. To task a seventeen year old girl to grow up, pick a career and become an adult at that age is too young. Im graduation at the age of eighteen, and that doesn’t feel like it’s old enough to grow up and leave home.
People tell you that you aren’t old enough to buy alcohol, you aren’t old enough to buy cigarettes, you aren’t old enough to do so many things yet they expect you to pick a career and pursue it. How is that fair?
I’ve been going through situations in my head of how I’m going to live away from home, go to college and pay for things along the way. I’ve been thinking of my boyfriend a lot because he is a year younger then me. I’ve been thinking of so many god damn things and it’s so over whelming and stressful.
I want to be little again, and remember how riding a tall pony would be the scariest thing ever. I just don’t see the world the same as I had when I was little, now I just hate it.
It’s not fair to blame the whole world for me being too stubborn to grow up, but the world expects little kids to become the next Einstein and it’s infuriating how children don’t have imaginations anymore.
I’m scared of getting older but there ain’t much to be done! More posts soon xo!

How Time Flies

It’s always the most difficult time to walk around in life knowing that, at one point, everything was different. I was 7, not 17, I was little, not getting older. I was in grade 2, not going into grade 12.. It’s absolutely crazy you know. It’s scary, to make a seventeen year old girl make her college choices, her career choices, her life choices… So damn young you know.

I’ve always been afraid of my future. When I was eight or nine, I would cry in my sleep because I had nightmares of growing old and dying. I don’t want to die even still, but I don’t get as scared as I used to be. I know it’s coming and I know it’s going to happen no matter what, I just never thought of it like I did when I was younger.

People say that as you get older you are supposed to become more wise with your life and the decisions you make. But, for me? I still have no idea what to do with me life. I love my boyfriend, who I have been with for nine straight months now and we are still going strong thank god. I love my mom who cares for me and trusts me and does whatever she can for me. I love my high school life, I don’t want to grow out of it.. I know I say I hate it, but most of the time? I wish I could stay longer.

Well, I haven’t written in a long time and I suppose I should write more. I can finally feel whole knowing the one place I love isn’t ruined. The one place I come to lay my life flat out, and ring it dry… It isn’t judged, or ridiculed, just looked at.

Hope to write again soon, my stresses for grade twelve are coming up so I may say a ton more.

Run Away Words

Have you ever wanted to cry and laugh and lay somewhere alone all at once? Have you ever wanted to disappear for a day and see if anyone tries to look for you, not contact you through texting? Have you ever just wanted to run away and not look back at what your life was?
People say I have so much to look forward to, that I should be happy because I have a loving boyfriend. That’s not the problem, he’s amazing and makes me happy, but I feel empty somewhere inside of me and it’s a place that doesn’t touch him, so he cannot help me. I feel as if the world is working against me, I feel like it wants me to give up and let go.
Now I know everyone’s reaction to this is going to be along the lines of don’t do it, you have things to live for, you can and will be happy. Don’t get me wrong those are all valid, I don’t feel like offing myself.. I just feel like there’s something missing.
You know what would be nice? To share my goals, my wants and desires. I like having conversations with people and I love helping with problems, but no one understands that I have problems of my own too..
Anyways, my rant for this evening or morning it’s getting closer to, is about wanting to control my life. It’s about me wanting to be me and share my desires with everyone. Isn’t that only fair?

Type to Begin

It says type to begin… And when I really think about that, I’m not quite sure where exactly to begin. I could start with the face that I thought everything was good. I could start with how Friday is valentines day and the one time I have some one in my life for it I don’t even know if we are going to spend it together.
Or, I could start at the beginning and state how downhill everything has gone. These are all negative thoughts aren’t they? Well I’m sorry my ass feels like being a hat and won’t leave me alone. Sure that didn’t make sense did it? Well if you really decipher it, it just means that my ass is being slammed on my head because I’m not good enough.
Point is, I thought this year was going to be different. Not saying I don’t love him, because for the life of me I could never leave him. I’m just saying that I wish we could go back to the first days where we were inseparable and it was too hard to get us to stop kissing for so long. I miss the puppy dog love we had. We’ve only been dating 3 months and I feel like an old married couple, no offence.
God, I love him. So much too, I could never hurt him or leave him, I would be breaking my own heart. But I don’t exactly understand the phase we are in. Does it end? Is it the beginning to how everything will be? I’m too afraid to know..

A Get Away Card

Things are becoming more and more complicated and I don’t feel I have the time for the childish acts of people anymore.
I thought I could be happy with my schooling, I thought that I could be good this semester, I thought everything was going to work out perfectly, the last semester of my grade 11 year of course.
There are so many problems with everything constantly. I’m not trying to blame others, but when I have three guys sitting in front of me, in two classes and they can’t shut up, well that angers me.
Sometimes I wish I went to a different school, a place where no one knew who I was.. It’s difficult to make a good impression when you get back because everyone already knows you and you don’t have the capacity to understand why people have to act a certain way.
Music and reading are my get aways. By this I mean, they are my life basically. If I had something to go to, it would be them. Music can always be related to because that is what it was made for. All those genres? Everyone has different moods constantly, so we have different sounds, tones, beats, and the like. Reading is a sanctuary, really. I put myself in the shoes of the characters and then I’m lost in the book. And when it’s all over and done? I feel much better.
Everyone has a get away card. Whether it is bad or good, like drugs or music, alcohol or reading, cutting or writing a blog. My blog is my get away card, my feelings pour out of my here and I don’t stop until I know my point of writing is shown.. I love writing, I love sharing and spilling feelings and showing my life here, because I know I won’t be judged.
So this is a piece of me, of my life. The second semester of my grade 11 year.